The Air You Breathed….

Once upon a time, I was the air that you breathed.

I was young and innocent yet,

I gave you life out of my very being.

In the beginning, I took care of you,

When you could not care for yourself.

But as time went on,

Life as we knew it changed.

When I was not with you in body,

I was always with you in spirit,

Because you are an extension of me.

Even though I couldn’t wipe your tears,

I still cried when you cried,

I was sad when you were sad.

I focused on the moment,

When I could be reunited with you.

To be there in body,

Rather than simply in spirit,

You couldn’t possibly know what I was feeling!

You had your own interpretation,

But it was all wrong. How could you know?

My only goal was to work hard,

Get to a good place, back on my feet,

and rush back to get you,

This time for good!

Oh, I left you in great hands,

Full of love and guidance,

To nurture you while you were away.

Now you are older,

Only to remember the loneliness from my absence.

Rather than the reality of my struggle,

My persistence to rise above my obstacles.

No matter how many times I say,

This was my situation and I did the best I knew how, 

It just doesn’t wipe away the sting,

No, it doesn’t change anything.

Many disadvantages come with being a teenager,

Not quite adult yet, but taking a stance in that arena.

So, add that with marrying the MONSTER of your dreams,

Coupled with first time teenage motherhood.

Feared into divorce and left all alone,

To find my own way without a parental compass.

Suddenly starting over and terrified,

What will I do now?

I have this little life that depends on me!

Not a thread of experience as an adult,

Let alone as a single mother.

Who was I?

Just a teenager rushed into adulthood,

Of course, by my own bad decisions,

Yet, without those choices

You would cease to exist.

I have no regrets of giving you life,

Just regrets of doing it when I wasn’t ready,

Perhaps not giving us both a chance,

At normality in this crazy world.

Many times I cried and waited,

For the day when I could bring you home.

Not a moment went by that I did not miss you.

I cannot go back in the past for if I did,

Given the same situation,

The picture might not look much different.

Unless I stayed in the abusive marriage,

Perhaps the unthinkable migh’ve happened,

Then, I would not have been around either way.

Only our Father, God knows.

Yes, we were reunited eventually,

But the struggle didn’t change.

As I was still finding my way over the years,

Eventually a full grown adult,

But still no compass or guide.

Trying to find my way,

Sometimes giving tough love,

To try and make you stand strong,

Other times, too passive and just short of a doormat.

Because as you got older my decisions,

To give you what I thought you needed,

As a mother, werent always accurate

Because no one is perfect, never will be.

So, today I feel estranged,

For doing the best that I could.

We are both much older now,

I am in your presence,

Yet, I am merely an object of tolerance.

Now with extensions of yourself,

That I may never get to know,

Feels like I may have to cut my losses and just let go.

Until the day when God sees fit to give me back,

Everything the devil stole from me and from you.

Never completely walking away,

As you’re always with me in spirit,

Because you came from me.

So, I am never out of reach,

I used to be the air that you breathed.

Just something to think about…

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